Dearest You

Dearest You,

Today was supposed to be THE DAY, or maybe tomorrow was or maybe the day after, guess we’ll never know for sure. One thing’s for certain though, you are deeply missed here.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my demons lately and one thing that they keep reiterating is that I let you down and if I did, I am truly sorry, I really am.

They say that it’s easier to reminisce on the good memories rather than the bad ones and I find that to be true; when on a warm day like today, I’m always taken back to that beautiful Monday morning when she first told me about you, how thrilled I was and how excited both of us were as we started preparing for your arrival and planning how our lives would be – the two of us and You.

This whole thing has been really hard on her and I bet the coming days are going to be even harder. Nothing can mend that broken part of her. Once in a while, a faint smile would appear on her face in response to some lame story I’d tell her or the stupid things I’d do to make her laugh. I’d always tell her that she’s beautiful and that I think she should smile more. I could see that she tries, but it’s not easy, it won’t be, for some time. You’d never know this; but she misses you a lot, more than anyone she’s known in her life.

As hard as it was to say goodbye to you, thinking about how I’ll never get to hold your little hand or make you laugh or give you a hug when you need one or just enjoy your loving gaze into my eyes, breaks my heart every time.

It was just four months until You arrived and even though you were just a scan that I held in my hand, I

had already prepared a special space in my heart, one just for You. But now that space is empty. People say that I’m strong but the truth is I’m not; I’m barely hanging on. I’ve been drowning myself in my work to keep things off my mind but when it is quiet and the house is still, that empty space in my heart echoes so loudly that it can’t be ignored.

The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I’ll see you again someday, somewhere and I promise you, we will make up for this lost time. I have thus decided that I will leave that space in my heart exactly where it is. I will carry you there always; in that space, in my heart. And though I’ll never be able to describe how you were born with your mother’s eyes nor will I ever get to recognize your voice on the other line when you’ve grown and made me proud to call you my child, I still know You and I still love You. Goodbye then my child, until we meet again someday.

Love, Your Papa